Relationship Series: When Friendships Change

In this episode of Get Honest, Christy Dragotta talks about how to navigate friendships when circumstances in life change. Whether it’s marriage, divorce, moving away, loss, or other major transitions, relationships can shift in painful ways — and this conversation offers grace-filled, practical wisdom for walking through it well.

Christy shares personal stories of loss, distance, and changing seasons in friendship, reminding listeners that not every change means division. Sometimes friendships simply look different, and that’s okay. With honesty, communication, compassion, and patience, we can love our friends well even when the relationship is no longer what it used to be.

If you’ve ever wondered how to respond when a friendship feels strained, distant, or changed by grief, this episode will encourage you to extend mercy, ask better questions, and trust God with the future of the relationship.

It’s a heartfelt reminder that there can be distance without division, and that grace makes room for healing.

Transcript

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Hey friends, it's so good to be with you today. Thank you for joining me on Get Honest. Today we are still continuing our relationship series, and we are going to be talking about when friendships change. And this is a tough, tough thing. We love our friends, and sometimes life just throws us a curveball. It can be any number of reasons why a friendship would change. Maybe one of you gets married or one of you gets divorced, or maybe it is a change of job that moves somebody out of town. Another reason that might be common but is very challenging to a friendship would be the loss of a spouse or the loss of a child. Any of these changes that are pretty big life situations can cause a change and a shift in a friendship. And a lot of time there is pain that is associated with that change in friendship. And so today I just wanted to talk to you about how to navigate that really well. Part of that starts with what we always talk about communication, just making sure you keep open lines of communication. It is impossible to know where your friend stands if you don't ask your friend. I have many friends that live in different states than I am in. And we have maintained great friendships because every now and then we'll send each other a message or we'll call each other on Zoom and just connect and see each other's faces and talk to one another. Do we connect as often as the friends that are in this town? No, of course we don't. But when we do, it is rich and filled with meaning because they are so far away, we make it count. And we do take time. Every couple of years, or sometimes in a good year, a couple times a year, I will make time to be able to go and sit with those friends who live out of state and just spend days with them catching back up. And we can pick up like we never missed a beat. And it's because we aren't judging each other out of our fears. We are we are remembering who our friend is and we're coming with our true identity, which is that of acceptance and love. And then I have some friends that send silly TikToks or different reels or things like that that just help remind me they're thinking of me. And I do the same thing to remind them I'm thinking of them. And then I have other friends who are not really on social media, and so instead they'll just send a hey, thinking of you message. It's a beautiful thing to maintain a friendship even when miles separate you. But let's talk about something that's a little bit more difficult. One of you is going through something really challenging, whether it is an intense sickness or a death potentially in the family, those type of things change a person. And it's not that your beliefs change or that your heart changes, but there's just an understanding, an experiential understanding of pain that ends up changing you. And I know this firsthand from losing my mom and losing my son. I know I'm not the same woman that I was before I lost my son. And I'm not the same little girl that I was when I lost my mom. And in each of those, there have been some beautiful things that have come out of those hardships and out of that loss. But they really have sculpted me into a different person. Let's just look at it practically. When I was in high school and my mom was dying, all of my friends were going to parties and doing things that teenagers did, probably making some really goofy mistakes that they wish they hadn't made, or making choices that weren't the best choices. But during that time, I wasn't going to parties and drinking or doing any of the normal teenage things that people do when they're rebelling, or even if they just had parents that allowed them to do things like that. My mom was dying. So my perspective on let's go get drunk at a party was just that's so stupid and fruitless. Why don't you just spend time doing things that mean something? And I didn't say those things to many people, but I just didn't go. I didn't spend my time with my friends in those ways because my time was spent taking care of my mom. And as soon as school was over, I would rush home to make sure she was okay. And there were times that I would not go to school if she was feeling really terrible in the morning, or times I would leave school early if she was feeling terrible in the afternoon. And so it's just a different perspective. And my 16-year-old self couldn't fully be just a carefree 16-year-old because my whole world was changing. And it's the same thing when you're going through, I don't know what it is like to lose a spouse. I know what it is like to lose a child. And I know that some of my friends who have lost spouses, it's it changes everything. There are drastic, drastic changes that take place in loss like that or with the loss of a child. And there's probably never a time you need your friends more than when you've had a loss like that. But also there's really nothing that your friend can say that brings a lot of comfort. And the reason is because in your raw pain after losing somebody, platitudes aren't going to work. Simple quotes of scripture saying how God will work everything out together for good of those who love him. They aren't a balm on a heart that is in that much pain. Only the Holy Spirit can speak to those places and take the truth of God and apply it to our hearts. And you know, I want to speak right now to those friends of mine or those of you who are listening that have experienced trauma and loss. And I want to ask you to give grace to your friends that haven't, because we can become offended over all sorts of things. And certainly those platitudes are empty for us when people are saying, well, he's in a better place, or at least he's not in pain anymore. Those things are true, but it doesn't take away the great amount of suffering that we face because they're not here. It was a part of our everyday, it was a part of my everyday to see my son, the jokes that he told in our household that made it a little bit lighter. Everything about him, he was taller and just would help me reach things I couldn't reach. And he would try to lighten up the mood if something was a little heavy. All of those things are losses that I feel every single day that other people just don't understand. And so I'm asking you when other people haven't experienced loss and you're going through loss, I would ask you to give grace. And I know you feel worn out and tired, just emotionally exhausted from the toll it takes to lose someone. But in all things, God wants us to have mercy and grace on our friends. And so it's okay not to yell at our friends or to say things in haste, but it's okay to say, I love you. But right now, even scripture is not helping me in my pain. So could you just sit with me without trying to fix it? And you can be honest and communicate to your friend how they can be a good friend to you during that time without being angry, just having the understanding they don't have the understanding. And then if you are that friend that says, well, God's word is true at all times. And so if they're that way, their heart, yes, their heart is broken. It is fractured. And so while they still have an understanding here of what God's word says and what it means and the truth of it, in their hearts, they are wrestling. They're wrestling the enemy who is ever accusing God of holding out on us. They are wrestling deep depression and sadness. And today to get out of bed took more energy than you could ever imagine. And so don't expect them to come with their most fortified self. Yes, you can carry yourself in a way that exhibits faith through these hard circumstances. But please, I beg of you, if you haven't gone through what they've gone through, and even in every loss, it's different. If you haven't experienced what they've experienced, ask God for compassion. And it's better to be quiet or to ask, what do you need from me right now? One of the things that my husband has done that blesses me so much is that often when he sees that I am downcast or that something isn't right, he asks me, Do you want me to draw nearer to you or do you want me to pull away so that you can have time with God? And that is so healing. And so I would ask for those of you who haven't experienced loss, that's the way you approach your friends that have. What do you need from me right now? My instinct is to come over and sit with you. Do you need space or do you need me to be near? Do you need me just to be quiet? Do you want me to bring some kind of food or come do your laundry? Or do you just want me to come sit next to you on the couch while you cry? And then ask them. Many, many times people are uncomfortable to talk about. Um, I'm going to use the example from my life of losing my son. People would be afraid to say his name as if it was going to cause me pain. And I really needed to talk about my son. I love to talk about my son. And so it helps the healing process to be able to sit and talk about my son with people, even talking about the way he died. Now, some moms that have lost children, the very last thing they want to do is talk about it. And so everyone is different, and their response to that trauma is going to be different. So give people grace and ask the question: how can I be a good friend to you right now? Do you want to talk about Jacob? Or would you rather just talk about something else? These are ways that we can love people through loss, but I want you to know your friendship is going to change because their whole world has just changed. And so it just have grace. I'm begging you all to have grace. You who are hurt, have grace for your friends who have not been. You who are not hurt, have grace on that one who is experiencing this loss. Same thing for divorce. Divorce is just difficult. Sometimes you have people who the couple were friends with another couple, and then one or the other makes the couple feel like they have to choose who they're going to stay friends with. That should never be the case. People should have the freedom to continue to be friends no matter what kind of a divorce or situation it was. Now, on the other hand, if there are boundaries that need to be put up for your safety, that's okay. And that may change the way some of your friendships look. But in a normal situation where there's a divorce, please don't be the kind of person that says, if you're going to stay friends with her or if you're going to be the friends with him, I can't be your friend. Don't shut them out. And don't listen to all the negative input because divorce is ugly and the whole process is ugly. So just be a friend that says, Man, I love you and I want to hang out with you, but I don't really want to hear about all of that. I'm going to pray for you. But I just don't want to entertain all of those things because it makes me think not holy thoughts about your spouse. Be willing to have hard conversations with that friend and set your own boundaries and be loving and just let that play out. But it's hard and it's messy. And again, going through divorce, I know there were times when I was really, really high in my faith, like just being able to stay steeped in the word and surround myself with truth. And then there were times when I was really low because the enemy was ever telling me all these lies about how the rest of my life was going to be just terrible because of this divorce, how I had wrecked my children because of this divorce. So there's so much going on. Don't we just need to have grace and compassion and mercy for others? Jesus said, if they knew my father desires mercy more than sacrifice, he loves mercy and he loves when we extend mercy to one another. So some of these things are they've moved away and it's just a geographical location. So there's not hard feelings. But sometimes there are life circumstances that all pile up and you don't know where do I stand with this friend anymore. And so I say ask. And if you are the friend that gets asked the question, please answer honestly, not with what you want them to hear, but tell them the truth. Yes, I am wrestling over some resentments because you've said these things to my ex-husband, and it hurts me to have heard that. Now, now they have the opportunity to say, I didn't say that, or I did say that, but you can speak truthfully and have conversation that brings restoration to the relationship. Don't sit and say what you think people want to hear or what just sounds like the right thing to say. Be honest in your communication in those situations and you can maintain friendships. But sometimes the Lord has friends in our life for seasons. And this is really painful. I live in a town, I call it a transient town because we have a lot of students that come in and then they leave. And some stay for a little while and then they leave. And then we have families that come in and then they leave. And so it's hard when you have friends that come and go. I didn't used to be very good at navigating that because I wanted my circle of friends to never change. And I just wanted to have that close circle of friends and never have any distance between us physically or relationally. And so the Lord had to teach me how to have long-distance friends that I care about deeply that I'm just not going to talk to as often and to be okay with that and to not receive that as some bad thing, but just that they were heavy in my life for a season, and now they're in my life still, but at a distance. And in heaven, this is the beauty of relationships, all of these people, I will be able to be with them and I will have an eternity to go pop in and say hi and spend time with them. And I know that eternal relationships are a great gift because there are a lot of people that I feel like I just didn't get quite enough time with her, or I didn't get enough time with him. And that's especially true of my mom and of my son and of my sweet precious children that I had miscarriages that I never got to meet. And so I just feel like eternity is beautiful, but let's act in ways now that impact eternity. Those friendships are gonna be there forever. And so I pray that you guys would have friendships and that the division that happens, whether it be geographical or whether there's something that takes place in your town, maybe they just um again are going through a heavy, hard life thing that you don't know how to process. The change doesn't have to bring division. It can just be different. And different is okay. You can always be loving, you can always be kind, and you can always communicate well, even as it changes. And so take those hurts to the Lord. This is our primary source. When we start feeling pain in our heart about anything, that's the indicator to go to God and say, Lord, my heart is hurting over this, and I don't know how to deal with this emotion in the way that I'm feeling right now, because my friend and I are noticing differences. Our relationship is changing and it's painful to me. What do you want me to know about this? And what do you want me to do? And sometimes the Lord is going to tell you that relationship was there for a season, and now that season has gone. And it doesn't mean you don't like them anymore. It just means that that closeness of that relationship is going to change. And so you don't have to be discouraged because the Lord knows what we need before we even ask. And He will bring people and He will give of Himself to fill those voids that you feel when friendships change. But trying not to hold resentments, being honest about the way you feel with the Lord and when appropriate with that friend can make all the difference in the world in keeping that relationship one that there may be distance and there may be difference, but there doesn't have to be division. Oftentimes you'll hear people say, Well, if that's the way that they acted after that event, they were never really your friend. And I want to address that because I would, I would kind of get on that bus and just be like, yeah, that's right. I guess if they couldn't be here for me through this time, they were never really my friend. And I I think sometimes sure that could be the case, but I think more often it's that they just don't know how to be a friend over that time. And so I would encourage you not to just be like, well, they were never my friend in the first place, because all that line of thinking does is lead to further separation and resentment and things that you need to forgive. And so I would just say, take those situations where you start feeling like, well, they were never my friend in the first place, and take it to the Lord and say, Lord, this is what I expected of them, and this is how they let me down. And I'm asking you to give me your perspective on this friendship. And sometimes maybe he's going to encourage you to reach out to that person. And sometimes maybe he's going to just show you that what your expectations were were never right in the first place. And so I encourage you always when friendships change, instead of saying, well, they were never really my friend, thank the Lord for the good times that you had with them, for the friendship that you did have, and seek the Lord if this is still something where He wants you to pursue restoration, or if He is just saying that season has ended, it's time to let go of any resentments and expectations and move forward with me. And I'm going to take you to a new place and surround you with the people that I want in your life for this season. So I just hope that this has been helpful for you today. Please have grace and mercy when your friends are experiencing great loss. You can't expect them to come out the other side of that the same. And it's beautiful. My relationship with the Lord is so much deeper in many ways because of the losses that I have experienced. But getting there was very messy. And there were surely times I did not act like myself and I did not even act like I loved Jesus. There were times where, with my behavior, you might think, gosh, she has really lost her mind. But it's because it's in wrestling those situations out with God to get to a relationship with Jesus and with God that is authentic. There are hard conversations that must be had when life hands you something you didn't expect. And so have grace and have patience. And even with someone who is rooted firmly in the word of God and the truth of God, it is easy to get derailed in those times where your heart is shattered. So just be the kind of friend that even if your friend is getting derailed, let them know I'm here for you. I can tell this is a hard wrestle. And don't judge them or rebuke them or correct them when they say something that's honest about how they're wrestling it out with God. Because God isn't afraid of the wrestle. Look at Jacob in the Bible. Look at the way that he went back and forth with Abraham and with Moses. He considered them friends, where he would share with them his plans before he would even do it. And he would let them talk back and forth to him about what he was going to do. Our God is not a God that can't handle our doubt or when our trust changes. I know I had a very long season of working out what does it really look like to trust God anymore after I lost my son. And so just have patience and give grace and be the kind of friend that when you haven't experienced that, don't make judgments over their life. Just be there for them. And when they're in the slimy pit, just ask them if there's any way that you can help them because that's what a real friend does. And then be willing to forgive both sides of it. So I'm excited because, of course, we have another episode coming up on forgiveness. And it's so important. I think we'll probably have a hundred episodes on forgiveness because there is so much freedom when we forgive. And it's not just freedom for the other person, it's freedom for us. And so today I just ask if there's a friendship that you have, if as I've been talking, a friendship has come to mind, even if it's just, oh man, I'm so grateful for this friend, or I'm so grateful for this friendship that I had back here that changed, would you text that person today? Would you call and reach out and just say, hey, I'm thankful for your friendship in my life. I'm thankful that the Lord had you there for a season. Or to be able to just say, Hey, I heard something today and it reminded me of you. And I just want to tell you, I'm thankful for your friendship. Just reach out. And especially if there is separation between you and another friend. And that came to your mind over and over. Deal with the Lord first if there's any forgiveness or resentments that you have been holding. And so forgiveness that you are not releasing for that person, deal with that with the Lord first. And then reach out to that friend and just let them know that as far as it depends on you, you want everything to be good and that you love them. So that's my encouragement to you guys today. Thanks for being with me. I surely love each week whenever I get to spend time just sharing the things that are in my heart that the Lord has given me. So thank you for giving me the opportunity to share with you. And I look forward to seeing you again. See you next week.