Relationship Series: Dealing with Past Trauma

In this episode of Get Honest, we continue the relationship series by digging into a powerful truth: unresolved past trauma can quietly shape how we see ourselves, how we respond to others, and how we show up in every relationship.

Christy shares honestly about false identities, childhood wounds, hurtful words, and the ways pain can echo through friendships, family dynamics, marriage, and everyday interactions. She explores why forgiveness matters, how boundaries can protect your heart, and why healing often starts with recognizing the lies you’ve believed about yourself.

If you’ve ever felt stuck in old patterns, struggled with offense, or wondered why certain relationships keep reopening the same wounds, this conversation will encourage you to slow down, get honest, and begin the work of healing with God, wise counsel, and healthy community.

Key takeaways:

• Past trauma can create false identities
• Hurt people often hurt people
• Forgiveness is essential for freedom
• Boundaries can support healing
• Your true identity is found in Christ

If this message resonates, this episode will help you take the next step toward wholeness, peace, and healthier relationships.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey friends, welcome back to Get Honest and our relationship series. So my desire is really that we as believers, if you're watching this, I'm assuming that you are a believer in Christ and He tells us how we are to treat other people. And so when we talk about relationships, I'm not just talking about boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife. I'm talking about friendships and just relationships with other people in general. The supermarket checker, every person that you come in contact with is made in the image of Christ. And so it is so important in our relationships that we treat people coming from that place if we claim to be believers in Christ. Because he asked us and urged us not to look at people from a human perspective, but to look at people through spiritual eyes. And that's how he sees people, and he wants us to have his heart in relating to other people. We have spent several weeks talking about communication because that's a huge piece. The way that we let our words impact other people is a huge part of our relationships. And as you know, people who come at you with pointed, hurtful words, you don't want to be around them as often as you do people who use their words to build you up. And that just makes sense, right? And so communication was a pretty big deal, but I want to talk about something today that I think is equally um maybe even it may impact every other piece even more, and that is our past trauma. Everybody has a different place that they're coming from, but each one of us have had experiences, and I'm gonna call them naming experiences, and that's when people have said something to us or about us, and we took on an identity, usually a false identity, based on something they have said. I know for myself personally, I was a very sensitive child. I always wanted people to like me because I always thought about me, and so it was a way of when people liked me, it made me feel good about me. And when people didn't, I tried to change me because I wanted to be pleasing to people, and that's not about the other person, that's about being accepted by the other person because on my own I wasn't enough. So that's a false identity I carried around for a long time was these, it was actually different identities, but becoming what other people, what I thought they wanted me to be. So our past trauma for me that looked like my parents getting a divorce, that was probably one of the biggest traumas that I had early on. After that, I lost my mom to cancer. That was another trauma. And then after that, I was married very young and in an abusive marriage for many years. And in that trauma, I was bringing all of my past trauma into that relationship, into that marriage relationship, and it caused the disintegration of the marriage. And it takes two people to get married and to stay married. So there were two parts of the story, but I know I brought in a huge piece of it when I brought all my false identities with me, when I brought the rejection of my childhood into my marriage. I don't want to say it was destined to fail, but there was a really hard path forward because I hadn't dealt with the wounds from my childhood before stepping into marriage, and I didn't even know how. So the more broken and hurt your parents' background is, the more they probably projected some of that on you. And even if you have great parents, we can hear things. I'll I'll never forget. Um, I was in the living room and I was a chatterbox from the time I was small, and I guess there was something on the TV that my dad wanted to hear, and so I was just talk, talk, talk, talking, and he just really, you know, got short with me and said, Can you just be quiet? You never stop talking. I'm trying to hear the TV. And what that said to me is the TV is more important than what you have to say. I know my father did not feel that way. I know that that's not, he was not trying to speak an identity over me in that, but I did take on an identity from that that I talked too much and people just didn't want to hear what I had to say. And that, you know, that was just one moment. It really, in the grand scheme of life, was not that big of a deal. But as a child, I let it wound me in a place that made it a big deal, and it continued to be a big deal because I let that continue to be an identity that I surrendered to, that I'm just a chatterbox. And so those things, our parents, good parents, can have said something, or a teacher or a classmate could have said something to you when you were younger and it stuck and it hurt, and you've held on to that as an identity for so long when that's not the truth. But Satan will continue to bring circumstances around that speak that over you over and over and over again because he loves to keep us bound, and so it is a hard thing to come out from under past trauma, but that is where you have to have somebody that is willing to push you into places and ask you hard questions to get to the root of where is the pain coming from and what do you need to release? Because in that, even if you did have very bad parents, parents that spoke the worst kinds of things over you, that did constantly say they were disappointed in you or that you were never gonna measure up, those parents that spoke those hurtful words over you are still holding you captive. And so releasing them looks like forgiveness. But it is hard to do that when it was that little child inside of us that was wounded. And so one of the things the Lord has shown me is he doesn't like it when I talk to myself in an ugly way. And basically that's just whenever I'm saying something about myself that the enemy is saying over me. And he says, I really don't want you to talk to my daughter that way because God doesn't speak to us anything but holy thoughts. It's because all of his thoughts are holy, so he can't think of a thought that isn't holy. And so he wants us to speak to ourselves and to others out of love and compassion and mercy and grace because that's how he speaks. But oftentimes when we're hearing our parents, and maybe even sometimes, this goes on into adulthood, and you have parents that are still wounding you with their words yesterday, last week. This is not some past offense you're trying to forgive for, this is an ongoing offense that you are still just continually being wounded. And so I would say to you, forgiveness is a huge piece of this. And I'm not going to go into this in a major way in this episode because I have already touched on it. And in the relationship series, I am going to do another condensed version on forgiveness and just help you kind of walk through that process. But I really encourage you to go back and listen to that episode because you need the tools to be able to forgive, to understand, forgiveness isn't letting them off scot-free. It's taking yourself off of that hook. You are releasing yourself from that death grip of toxic behavior and words over you. And so the things going forward, and this is where you might need some help navigating, is you need to set boundaries up to guard your heart from becoming more wounded. So maybe that looks like you don't talk to them as often. Or if you do talk to them, you don't talk to them alone. You always have somebody else with you that can help you hear what is said and not just what you're perceiving from your past hurts. Because oftentimes when someone has wounded us and wounded us deeply, we will circle back around to those past hurts. And so everything that they're saying now still is coming through that filter of that wound. And so having another person there that is unbiased and able to hear what is being said may be able to give you some perspective that otherwise you couldn't have. And so part of that is just figuring out what those boundaries look like, what is healthy. But I'm going to be honest with you, when you are able to forgive someone and walk in your true identity, not under all these old identities, these false identities that you've been given as a child, when you can walk in your true identity, you are unoffendable, even by people who have really hurt you. And that's something I want you to really think about. Because if someone has power over you and is continually hurting you with their words, one healthy thing is to break away for a little while, get some space, get some counseling, do a lot of hard work with the Lord on forgiveness, and then come back to God and ask, what false identities are you living under? And what do you need to bring to him to say, I know this isn't true about me, but this is where it hurts because it's what I keep hearing, and what do you have to say about that? And then when he speaks to that, you receive what he says as the truth, and you can have that real conversation with him. God, that doesn't feel true, and I'm having a hard time believing. I know your word says that you'll never leave me or forsake me. But I feel abandoned, and when I'm around my mom, I feel more abandoned. And you just don't know what my parents did to me. He does, he does, he saw it all. And so I just really encourage you, like I said, go back, listen to that forgiveness episode. But the enemy is where all of that started. It isn't your parents or any other person covered in flesh and blood. It is an enemy that you have that from the time you were born has been after you to convince you you are somebody other than who God has called you to be. So that past trauma will speak into every relationship you ever have if you don't resolve it, if you don't go back and deal with it. So that's my exhortation to you is just coming in, doing the hard work, and releasing that false identity, get empty of that thing, and working forward with God on finding who you truly are, how he made you, what he knit you together in your mother's womb to do, who he has called you, what he says about you. When you operate out of those identities, you are a gift to the world around you and you are unoffendable. So don't bring your past trauma in, but you're gonna have to deal with it. So this work of finding out these false identities that you've believed about yourself and surrendering them to Jesus and letting him rename you in those places, this is not a one-and-done thing. This is not, okay, I dealt with the fact that I'm a disappointment and I'll never have to deal with this again, that that's not true, that God is not disappointed in me. It's not one and done. Next week, somebody else is gonna come and they're gonna speak something and it's gonna reopen that wound. But the more you stand on the truth, the more you take those thoughts captive, make them obedient to Christ, the easier it will become, the faster you're gonna rebound, the less that voice that tells you all those disgusting things about yourself, you won't hear that voice any longer. You will be hearing the truth because you'll just get a practice of taking that thought, nope, I am not a disappointment. God is never disappointed in me, and you will make those thoughts obedient to Christ, and it will just be so much quicker as you're going on to the next place. So you don't start over in the same place every time, but that it's not a one and done. You will have to continue to take that thought captive and make it obedient to Christ over and over again until the enemy gets tired of messing with you. And so I just want you to know it's an ongoing process that you will probably deal with for the rest of your life, even once you have fully forgiven. That is the linchpin. That's the key. Forgiveness is always the key. But once you've even made that decision and you keep making that choice over and over again, it's going to become easier to walk out of the false and into freedom of knowing who you really are in Christ. Once you have that, you're unoffendable. So if you're saying, nah, my past trauma really doesn't get to me, I hadn't really dealt with it, but it doesn't really bother me. I want you to notice this week where you're offended. Because any place we are offended, we are not walking in the truth of our identity before Christ. We are walking in a false identity. If we are offendable, we are not walking in our true identity in Christ. And this is not just, oh, he loves me, I'm a child of God. I am talking about really knowing from the Lord who he created you to be. And it can look a million different ways because no two people are alike. And so I know some people and their identity is truth teller. Some people, their identity is bondage breaker, not untire. There are so many identities. Healer. God is a creative God, He's the most creative being ever. He created all things. In fact, the first words of scripture are in the beginning, God created. He is a creator. It's beautiful. And so he created you to do beautiful good works. He did. And so how he's created you, there's there's probably a thousand names he calls you, that he knows what's inside of you that he put in there. And so I'm not just talking about, oh, I'm a child of God, I'm beloved, I'm a daughter of God, I'm a daughter of the Most High King. Yes, all of those things are true. But he calls you something very specific that he doesn't call your next door neighbor because her giftings are very different than yours. And so that's that's what I want you to get to is get to your true identity. But that's gonna start with working through the false identities of your past. So just this week, check out where you are offendable, and every time you get offended, make a note of what happened, and then figure out what are you allowing that to speak to yourself? Why did that hurt you? What in that interaction caused you pain, and what is it speaking to you about who you are, about your identity? Once you've identified that, then you can go to scripture and find out what God actually says about you in relation to that. Then you can confess that you were believing this other thing, which is why you were offended, and what you want to believe is the truth of what God says, and you can ask him to help you believe that and go forward believing that what God says about you is true and asking for his help in it because it's hard to believe good things about ourselves. That's crazy. It's so easy to believe bad things, but it is hard to believe the good true things that God wants to say about us. I don't want you to minimize your past, your pain, or minimize the importance of forgiveness. It can be difficult to work through, but it is so worth it to come out the other side and be unoffendable. I want to encourage you to find someone to walk through your past with you and keep a check on yourself this week. Every time you get offended, see what has offended you and why that bothers you so bad and what identity it's speaking to you that is not true. So that's all I'm gonna say about past trauma. I'm not a licensed professional counselor or a psychologist. If you are hearing this and it resonates with you, yeah, I think I probably have got some things I need to deal with from my past. I would really encourage you to find a counselor, somebody that has specialized in how to navigate these tough situations with you. And if you've got wounds and trauma where somebody else violated you physically, you need someone to walk you through that who has been through it. You need people to walk beside you who have understanding of the pain that you're carrying because it isn't your fault that someone abused you in that way physically. And so you've got to find some people to walk it with you. You can't try to do it alone, and you need good community around you so that you can find healing. Christ is able to fully heal everything, there is not one way. Wound that you have experienced in your life that Christ cannot come in and redeem and heal. He is the redeemer, he is the savior, and he saves us every day. But get a group around you of people who have understanding of what you've been through and that are safe to walk through that with and just process in healthy ways until you have healing and wholeness where before there was just hurt and pain. I hope you have heard something in this that has been helpful. Parents are supposed to love you, they're not supposed to wound you, parents are supposed to protect you. So if especially you've been wounded by your parents, I just want to ask that you go talk to somebody. And if you have the opportunity, if they are willing and your parents are still alive, I would highly recommend, even if it's just a phone call with your counselor, allow the counselor to get their side of the story. Because unless somebody has both perspectives, it's going to be really hard to help you. I know that I have had relationships in the past where someone struggled deeply with anger, but because they wouldn't recognize that they struggled with anger, they went to these anger management classes and never talked one time about their anger. They processed some past hurts, they processed some things, but they never said, I'm angry, and I'm wounding people out of this anger. They just talked about their hurt and all from their perspective. So there was not healing. They're still angry. They're still dealing with the same anger that they've been dealing with for 30 years. But they won't get help because that counselor can only deal with the truth that's being given to them. And so if you're not honest with yourself, if you're unable to be honest with yourself, then that counselor is going to have a hard time helping you. Find somebody that comes highly recommended. There is nothing better than a good counselor, and there is nothing worse than a bad counselor or someone that gives unwise counsel. So I just really hope that this has hit something inside of you today that you can process. But if we are going to have successful relationships, God-honoring relationships, we've got to deal with our past traumas, and we have to be gentle with the little kid inside of each one of us. Sometimes the Lord will give me eyes to look back at the girl who made all these different choices in life that were terrible. And instead of condemning her, which is what I want to do about myself, he asks me to have compassion for the little girl inside of me that was wounded, that was still making decisions based in my wounds. And he takes me back and he shows me myself as a little girl in order to help me have compassion. Where if you had a problem and I'm talking to you, it's easy for me to have compassion. But on myself, I go much harder because I go, you should have known better. You've been walking with the Lord 45 years. How do you not know this? How haven't you overcome this by now? And he says, No, look back. The little girl that did that is the same little girl that was wounded here. You just hadn't had healing yet. So be gracious and compassionate with yourself, with the little kid inside of you that hurts, and deal with it so that it doesn't come into all your other relationships. Okay. I hope you have a wonderful week. Thank you for being with me today, and I look forward to seeing you next week. Bye, guys.