Relationship Series: Communication in Marriage (Part 2)

Most of us underestimate just how powerful honest, respectful communication is — especially in the hardest moments. If you've ever felt misunderstood, hurt, or unsure how to speak your truth without causing damage, this episode is your lifeline. Christy Dragotta unveils the real secret to meaningful relationships, and specifically a strong marriage: having honest conversations rooted in love, respect, and humility, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Why does this matter? Because without effective communication, even the strongest relationships fall apart, replaced by resentment or manipulation. But when you prioritize truth, grace, and active listening, you open the door to deep connection, healing, and mutual understanding.

Whether you're single, dating, married, or raising a family—this episode equips you with the tools to communicate from a place of love and authenticity. Perfect for anyone tired of misunderstandings, ready to set better boundaries, or seeking harmony in their closest relationships.

Transcript

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Hey, I'm so glad you're with me again today. We are going to finish our conversation on communication. And this one's going to be dedicated to husband and wife. And I feel like Satan really tries to get into all marriage relationships, and communication or lack thereof or poor communication is one of the primary ways that he gets in. And I can paint you a few different scenarios, but we get our feelings hurt. That happens, especially when we love somebody. You know, when we're dating, not that we're even trying to be somebody we're not, it's just that we are being our best version. We are kinder, more patient. We're more understanding when something doesn't go like it should. And so it's one of those situations where it's not that you're really not being who you are, it's just that you're choosing to be all the good parts of you. And in marriage, once you start living together and sharing space, you're gonna find out that there is a lot of things that you do differently. And one of you may be tidy and the other one of you is not tidy. And so that can be cause for communication. And what looks healthy is that wife going to that husband and saying, Hey, I noticed that you leave your clothes on the floor in the bathroom after you get out of the shower. I've bought a hamper specifically so that we can put our dirty clothes in there. So do you mind just picking up your stuff and throwing it in the hamper? And maybe for the husband, sure, he wouldn't mind doing that. But if he didn't grow up that way and he doesn't have a habit of it, it's gonna maybe take some time for him to get used to putting his clothes in the hamper. So do things that help. Put the hamper in the bathroom for a while. Maybe it's unattractive and unsightly or it's kind of stuffy in there with it in there. But once he gets used to putting them in the hamper, then you can move it back out to where the hamper goes and he will already have that habit of putting them in the hamper. You can do things that help, but you can also communicate. This is really important to me. When I get out of the shower, I don't want to step on your dirty clothes. I want to be able to walk through my bathroom and it be clean. And this is just a silly example, but I'm telling you, people hold resentments over this kind of a thing for their whole marriage. And so maybe what it looks like is he's honest, he says, you know, I didn't grow up this way, and I'm not doing it on purpose. I'm just not thinking of it. And so I'll try to do better, but can you help me in trying to do better? And so you make an agreement, right? Because he's not like, if you don't like it, just pick it up yourself. That's not considering somebody else's feelings and thoughts about the deal. And it's also just a harsh way to speak to somebody, so you don't want to be that way, but it can be like, hey, this is just something that isn't as important to me. I'm gonna need your help in making it important to me. Because he loves her and he wants it to be important. The next day she walks out and there are his clothes, and so she does. She puts the hamper in the bathroom and she just says, Hey, I picked up your clothes today and I put them in the hamper, but I've left the hamper in the bathroom so that it's a good reminder. He says, Thanks, okay. And the next day, he doesn't put his clothes in the hamper. So instead of being mad and holding a resentment, if he cared about me, he would throw his clothes in the hamper. He just selfish and doesn't care about me at all. And from that line of thinking, there's gonna be resentments, and then it's gonna become a fight. And when it really all it needs to be is a quick text, hey hun, you left your clothes on the floor again in the bathroom. Could you go put them in the hamper for me? How many texts is it gonna take before he just starts remembering to put his clothes in the hamper? Probably not that many, honestly. And if it's important to her, then he will probably understand it's important and he'll do it out of love. And if it's not as important, you know, honestly, what is it hurt to just pick up his clothes and put them in the hamper? And if he forgets one day, fine, pick them up and put them in the hamper, and then maybe remind him another week. Hey, three times this week I picked up your clothes and put them in the hamper. I just know that this is not something that you're used to. Do you mind trying to help with this? And you just continually give gentle reminders because why get mad about clothes on the floor? Why get mad about differences of the ways that you were raised? There's gonna be differences, and so you're gonna have to learn how to come together and communicate about those differences, but you don't have to be mad about it because when you were dating, you wouldn't have been mad about it. When you were dating, you would have just been like, look at this guy, he just can't keep his clothes off the floor, you know, and you wouldn't have been as upset about it, but now you're taking it personally, and it's not personal, it's not really about you. People are just speaking from their own perspective, and they're saying things the way their mind thinks, and from their viewpoint, but you're thinking from your viewpoint, and so it's okay that you're coming with two different viewpoints. You it's just both of your jobs to get on the same page, and so when you don't understand something, that's time for a great question. Hey honey, I don't understand why it bothers you so much that my clothes are on the floor. Can you help me understand? And that gives her it's she doesn't need to be defensive about it. Well, I'm not a slob and I'm not gonna leave my stuff. You don't have to go there. What you can say is I don't work well in a messy environment. So having that there really bothers me. It kind of clutters up my mind. It doesn't take very long, and so I would really appreciate it if you could just honor that because I kind of don't want to touch your dirty underwear if I'm being honest. Okay, now both people have had a chance to express themselves, and as a couple who loves one another, you come to an agreement moving forward. I'm gonna do better about this, but if I don't, just text me and I'll come put my clothes up. Like it's easy, it's such an easy thing to not fight about. And then there's communication about finances. This is an area that couples get in trouble with all the time. And it's because again, you've probably come from two different ways of being raised around money. And so these are conversations to have before you're married. But if you don't, because there's gonna be a lot of conversations after you're married, you think, oh, we should have talked about this before we're married, the time is now to have those conversations. And if it's something you're super emotional about, then you're probably gonna want to write out your thoughts and your whys before you sit down and write down the way that you think about things and the way it was done in your family so that there is understanding, and then after you do that, say, okay, this is why this is important to me. I feel like we need to be tithing 10%, and I feel like we need to be saving 10%, and that is something that's very important to me. And maybe he says, you know, I like to tithe 15%, but I don't put anything in savings because I trust that the Lord is going to give us month to month what we need. Okay, now we have a very big difference of opinion, and one is coming from a security issue, needing to feel secure about the money in the bank, and the other is saying, I want our security to only be in the Lord. So you have to be able to communicate and come together, not arguing you're wrong or oh, you're so churchy and spiritual, you know, and not this religious, I'm better than you because I want to tithe more and we don't have savings because I just trust God. It's not that error at all. It's this is really important to me, but I can tell that's really important to you. So, what is a way that we can come together on this where we are both honoring one another and the Lord, right? Maybe it looks like you keep 5% in the bank, or maybe it looks like he just says, you know what, we'll keep 10% in savings. Or maybe she just says, you know, you're right. I want to grow in faith and trust in the Lord, and so I'm not gonna have that savings account there that I've been relying on for my safety and my comfort. There's all kinds of ways that this can work out. He could say, you know, if she's working and he's working, he said, you can put your 10% in the bank as savings, and I will always honor that. I'm just not gonna put mine, and you can tithe 10% on your income, but I'm gonna continue to tithe 15%. These are decisions that you can communicate and make together. There's always a way forward, and if you're really stuck, if there's something that one of you won't budge on, there's no room to work, then you need to bring in a third party that's impartial so that you can run it by and hopefully it'll be a trusted source. It needs to be somebody that you both trust and you both respect in your new life together. It needs to be somebody that has wisdom and is willing to hear both sides of the story equally because chances are your pastor's gonna see it your way and his pastor's gonna see it his way, and so it's a little too unbiased. So, how about you just go to somebody that's impartial and ask for their help navigating that situation? There are times you know that you can go to your parents and ask them, and then there are times when that gets unhealthy in and of itself. I would really encourage you in a marriage relationship, try to work it out between the two of you and communicate in a way that you are listening and hearing what they're actually saying. And if you don't understand, take the time to say, This is what I heard you say, and this is what I feel like it means. Do I have that right? And then let them answer. And if they say yes, that's pretty much what I was trying to say, then okay, you can work from there. But don't just assume what somebody means by something they said, because chances are you're hearing it through a filter that includes all of your past experiences, and maybe there is pain there that's going to cause you to hear it the wrong way. So just ask for clarification. And then if they clarify and say, Yes, that is what I meant, now you can say, Okay, I really don't know how to move forward with this. Can we talk to somebody else? Can we bring in some wise counsel on this? And you should always be willing to bring in a third party because being married and being loving should be more important than being right. If you find yourself always having to be right to prove yourself that you were right, then you're not really in a place that you can have communication because that comes from deep brokenness. If you always have to be right and prove it, there's a deep brokenness there that's going to hurt every relationship that you have, especially in the marriage relationship. You need to be willing to listen and hear, not just listen to respond. And our pastor says when somebody speaks to you from feelings, you should respond with feelings. And when somebody speaks to you from logic, you should respond from logic. But don't try to respond logic to feelings because feelings can be illogical. They aren't always illogical, but they can be. And so when someone is speaking feelings, speak feelings back to them. And when someone is speaking logic, speak logic back to them. But it's both parties' responsibility to navigate communication in a healthy way. And if you find yourself not being able to navigate communication in a healthy way because of something else, that's when it's time, as we discussed last episode, to go vertical and say, okay, Lord, I need your help in this because I can tell I'm bringing past hurt into this. And I don't want to do that because I'm not trying to hurt my spouse. I just want to get to a place of understanding where we respect one another. If both parties are working towards that, there's nothing that you can't communicate about. But you've got to go, and that's another beautiful thing. Go together in prayer before the Lord and just be honest with the Lord and be honest with each other. You don't need to walk on eggshells, you don't need to say what you think they want to hear. You just speak truthfully. And that doesn't mean manipulate in prayer. I'm not saying use prayer as a manipulation tactic. What I am saying is go honestly before the Lord and invite him into the conversation. Lord, please, we want to come to an agreement on this, but we seem like we are worlds away from each other. Can you please give each one of us understanding and ears to hear what the other person is saying and help us not to let our feelings guide this conversation, but to let your spirit guide this conversation. When you ask the Lord to come in and be a part of it, he can help temper those feelings and emotions that are all raising up. And he can help you to really hear to listen and love your partner rather than hearing to defend your side of things or to be right. And so it's a humility. Ask for humility and prayer. And if you aren't coming to a conversation that you're in a disagreement about with humility and prayer, chances are it's not going to go well. Because if you bring pride and being right into this conversation, there's no room for the other person to feel how they feel and to say what they need to say. And so that's actually one of the things that my husband and I, when we got married, we said we had we had been in relationships where we had walked on eggshells before. We had to be real careful about what we said and how we said it. And I just told him, you know, I don't ever want to walk on eggshells with you, and I don't want you to ever walk on eggshells with me. I don't want to be mean, and I don't want you to be mean to me. But if you feel a certain way, I want you to say it rather than saying what I want to hear. Because, first of all, you might not know what I want to hear, and I won't know what you want to hear. But secondly, it just keeps everything where we I just know that when he opens his mouth, what comes out of it is what he means. And if I think, that doesn't sound like something he would normally say, or I perceived it wrong, I can say, Did you mean this when you said that? Because that's how I'm taking it. And there have been times when he said yeah, and then there have been times when he said, Not at all. You've totally misunderstood what I was trying to say, and it's the same, both sides, because sometimes we just hear wrong. And so asking that question has saved us a lot of pain. And when we do say yes, that is what I mean. Now I'm willing to go back and hear what you have to say, but right now that really is what I mean. Let's talk about it. That communication is vital. Honest communication is the only way that you can have a healthy marriage. So you need to be honest with one another. And you should have safety in your relationship. You know, this isn't possible in every relationship because sometimes it's not safe to say what you really mean. If that's the case, then you really need counseling and you really need help for your marriage, and you need to go to the church and let the church help you guys get where you need to be. But I'm assuming in most marriages, especially starting out, you're safe together and you've created a space and a loving environment where it's okay for that person to be who they are, and you can be who you are comfortably and still communicate and get to a point of agreement on things so that you're on the same page. So hopefully this has been helpful. I am gonna close this one down because I feel like we've talked a lot about communication and over the last couple of weeks, and so I feel like we're gonna move on. It's not like communication isn't gonna be part of the other episodes that we have in this relationship series, but I think it's our starting point. We just have to know how to communicate in a healthy way. I know there are some great resources for communicating in a healthy way. I know the book Boundaries is a fantastic book. It helps walk you through some boundaries and communication and what's healthy. I am gonna create a workbook through this relationship series that walks you through a lot of what I've talked about. But I really hope and pray that you seek the Lord in your communication and that you are going to Him in honesty and saying what you really feel. And it's okay if it sounds like doubt or it sounds like fear. He can receive that. He just wants the truth from you. And then his word says to take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. And so where your thoughts are not lining up with what Christ has said in the word, you take that thought captive and you ask the Lord, what does it look like to make this thought obedient to your word? And he will help you every time to see that his word is true and make that thought obedient to Christ. So it's a great practice. Thank you for being with me today, and I'll see you next week.