Relationship Series: Communication (part 1)

Unlock the secrets to honest, loving communication that transforms your relationships—whether with family, friends, or your spouse. When communication breaks down, misunderstandings and resentment take root, but there's a better way. Christy Dragotta reveals practical, biblical strategies to speak your truth with love, set healthy boundaries, and truly listen—so conflicts turn into connection, and love deepens rather than deteriorates.

In this episode, you'll discover how simple acts like asking clarifying questions, expressing feelings authentically, and respecting boundaries can dramatically improve your relationships. Christy shares real-life stories—from new parent boundaries and friend to family misunderstandings to marriage days—to illustrate how honest and compassionate communication prevents hurt feelings, builds trust, and fosters grace. You'll learn frameworks like the "respect and respond" method, practical tips for handling differences without conflict, and how to weigh your words before speaking to avoid unnecessary damage.

We break down why problems often escalate from unspoken expectations and assumptions—especially in family and marriage—and how intentional, biblical communication can bridge those gaps. Whether you're dealing with family boundaries, marriage disagreements, or everyday interactions, this episode offers tools to speak life, foster understanding, and walk in humility. The stakes are high: without honest dialogue, love can become strain; with it, relationships flourish.

Perfect for anyone longing for healthier connections, this episode will empower you to communicate with clarity, grace, and biblical truth. By applying these principles, you'll not only transform your relationships but also walk more confidently in love and authenticity. Start today—because every relationship has the potential to thrive when built on truth and grace.

Transcript

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Hey guys, thanks for joining me today on Get Honest. We're going to discuss communication. In this relationship series, we're going to talk about healthy communication versus communication that's just forced or false. And those are both obviously not the way that we want to go when we're dealing with relationships. We want our relationships to be built on trust and honesty and just a foundation of love and a genuineness that can't be manufactured or that shouldn't be manufactured. And so I want to jump right into our relationship series and talk about what does it look like to have healthy communication in a relationship? And now this isn't just relationship like boyfriend, girlfriend, man and wife. This is every relationship. So this looks like with your family, with your friends, strangers, people at the grocery store. Communication happens everywhere. And some people are wired for communication. I know myself, whenever I was younger, I got in trouble frequently at school, not because I was a bad kid, but because I loved to talk and I loved communicating with people. Other people aren't built exactly that way. They are more introverted. They would prefer not to talk to somebody, and they would really prefer it if you wouldn't talk to them. And so people are just wired differently. But in all relationships, there has to be communication. And it doesn't have to be a lot of words, it just needs to be honest ones. I'm going to give you some examples because it seems like, oh yeah, I'm I'm honest in my conversations, but a lot of times we don't understand how in our conversations we can be manipulative, or maybe we're speaking to drama that isn't actually there, but we're creating drama with our communication style. In a lot of relationships, you just kind of expect that you know what the other person is thinking, or that they would know what you're thinking. And this is the beginning of a lot of trouble because the enemy is ever accusing, and his goal is always separation, it's always division, it's always destruction. And so we don't want to leave room for that in our communication, in our relationships. So the place I want to start is communication about setting a boundary. And in life, it can look a myriad of different ways. For example, the birth of a newborn baby. There are a lot of things that that couple gets to decide for the baby, and it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks of it, it's their baby, it's their child, so they get to set the boundaries. What good communication looks like is letting everyone know ahead of time, hey, we have some expectations that nobody's going to kiss our little baby on the face, that nobody's going to post our baby's picture online, and nobody's going to come visit without letting us know first. There's no drop-ins because there's too many factors when you have a newborn baby to just expect people to show up whenever they want to show up. So communicating those boundaries is actually very loving, and it helps people to know what things you expect of them before their visit. You know, everybody has different expectations, but the only way that there wouldn't be resentment is if everyone communicates appropriately. When you're younger, you may not know to ask about those things or potentially, really. We're older and when we were having babies, it looked a lot different than it does these days. And so maybe we wouldn't even know to ask. I know my husband is not around small children as often as I am, and so he wouldn't even know to ask. Do I need to wash my hands or can I kiss your baby on the head? Whatever. Babies are kissable, and so it's hard to follow those rules, especially if you grew up in a different generation. And so the parents taking responsibility to communicate that is absolutely vital. And the people on the receiving end, you don't have to like it. See, when we've gotten to this place in society where we feel like you have to like all communication that goes on, and you don't. You don't have to agree with it, you don't have to like the way that somebody's doing something, but you do need to respect it because it's their rights to put the boundaries around their family as they see fit. What respecting it looks like or what could potentially be helpful on the other side, if you don't know, let's say that your best friend's just had a baby and you don't know what their rules are, just ask them. You don't have to guess or try to assume what they're thinking or not. That can lead to a wrong assumption of what the real situation is, and so you want to ask them questions. Hey, are there any rules that you have? A lot of times when people get engaged or get married or when people are having a child, they want to announce their news, and it is their right because it's their life. So they don't necessarily want mom or dad to go online and tell everybody, hey, my daughter's getting married. Maybe they want to do that. In all relationships, it is important to consider how somebody else would feel and ask if you're unsure. So if you don't know if they've told everybody yet or not, hey, is it alright if I put on my Facebook that you're getting married? That helps keep those lines of communication open and it helps from resentments growing on either side because you know clearly where you stand. And isn't it better to know where you stand than to guess or to guess wrong, especially? And so it just makes sense that in communication we ask questions and we listen to the responses and not listen for what we want to hear, but just listen to what they say. So that makes it even more important if someone asks you a question that you tell them the truth. And I'll use a different example for this. If somebody comes up and asks me, hey, do you mind if I bring my kids to our coffee date? I can't find a sitter for them, or it's just too expensive to get a sitter. And do you mind if we have it somewhere where there's a playground so they can play? In this communication, I don't have to like it, I don't have to agree to it. I can just say, I really would love to get together in person, but I think it's probably not something we want to talk about with little ears around. That's okay. If you have a boundary, it is more loving to say it out loud than it is to be like, oh yeah, that's fine. And then you go holding a resentment or not being able to discuss the things that you felt were important to discuss because there were little ears around. In all of this, you want to treat others the way you want to be treated. If you don't have children and it's hard for you to carry a conversation on with somebody that does have children, then you can just be honest about that. Hey, I just don't do really great having conversations in front of kids. That may mean, because her boundary may be, well, I'm not getting a sitter so we can hang out, that may mean that you don't have as many conversations. One of you is gonna have to give. And so understanding always goes really far in these things. So if you just are understanding that her babysitter canceled and she can't meet with you without her kids, it would be fantastic for you to say, yes, that's great. Why don't you tell me the top three places in town that your kids like to play so that we can have a conversation and your kids will get to play and have a great time. These steps are going to take you so far in your relationships, and it's all about just communicating the truth. If if somebody asks, hey, can you bring food to this event because I just don't know what to make and da-da-da, and you say, Yeah, sure. And then you stew in resentment because you don't want to bring food and you wonder why Karen couldn't bring food in the first place, and all of this, why? Why not just be honest and say, you know, I am happy to bring drinks or pick up chips, but I would rather not have to make something. I'm not very confident with my cooking. And so just be honest. And like I said, you treat others the way that you want to be treated. So consider when you're having conversations, everything isn't about you, and there is another party. And so ask those questions. Oh, I'm not really comfortable cooking. Is there a reason that you wanted me to bring food? And then just hear what they say. And if they're honest back with you, maybe they're like, Yeah, I really just don't have time, and I know you have more time than me, so I kind of just hoped that you would be able to prepare a meal, and then you can be honest back and say, Well, I'm not confident in my cooking, but I'm happy to pick up some spaghetti or a Sam's lasagna. Would that work out okay? See, there's just ways in communicating, people get offended way too quickly, and it seems like most people have already got kind of a baseline irritation. They have they have this irritation that's just sitting right there at the surface, ready to creep up when something is perceived to be wrong. And that's why honest but loving conversation makes such a big difference for people. Because if you can express how you feel in a kind and loving way, considering other people, you're a master communicator. You've you have learned how to speak truthfully. So the next time somebody wants to sign you up for something and you don't feel like being signed up, instead of agreeing to it and holding resentments, you speak truthfully. And you can even, this is another just relationship thing, if a friend of yours is constantly signing you up for stuff that you don't want to be signed up for, you can use your voice to tell that friend, hey, I've noticed that when you volunteer for stuff, you always volunteer me as well. And I would prefer that you come and get my okay before you sign me up for something. And I love to do stuff with you, I love to serve with you, and it's important to me to do that, but I also really value the ability to choose the things where I serve and the things where I don't want to serve, and just having that honest conversation, you don't have to be mad. And if they get mad that you are saying, hey, don't sign me up just because you're signing up, that's really not your problem to deal with. That really is a problem they need to deal with. Here I'm assuming that I am talking to people that follow the way of Jesus, and the way that Jesus handles friendships and relationships, he even says, Love your enemies, bless those who curse you. It's always about blessing the people that you're with, but blessing them with the truth. You want to walk in truth. It's really important that you understand there are going to be people that you offend with your truth. And sometimes looking back on it, you may see where you are just really being a knucklehead about something, and other times it could just be there isn't a mutual understanding. In every situation, we never know what somebody else is fully walking into, especially when you're walking into a situation with your feelings on your shoulder and you're hurt and you're already assuming things, it sets the tone to be hard and uncomfortable. Whereas if you can give your friend the benefit of the doubt, if you can remember back to the good times that you had and all of the things that you did and the way you knew each other before, you can give the benefit of the doubt. It hurts my feelings. I'm gonna communicate that, but I'm also gonna love her and give her grace. So you can see how communication and words matter. Our words matter when we're upset with someone, when we compare them to somebody else, or when we use words that are painful on purpose, it leaves a spot that has to be repaired later, and you can't undo it. It's just out there, and now there's just this new level of uncomfortableness. So there needs to be quick repentance and a quick, I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that. And healing can happen. But it's better if you, when you're communicating, you really weigh out your words before you say them. You don't just speak the first thing that comes to your mind. Yes, you're truthful, but you measure your words in uh Ephesians 4:30, 429, I think, and 30, it says that we are not to use our words to hurt people, but only to lift people up. And so if we can tame our tongue, if we can hold back things just because we are in pain, and we can work from a place of I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt that even though we haven't seen each other, we still love each other the same way we always did. Communication every single time is the way forward. You can't get anywhere if you're not willing to talk. I've seen this in families so often that people will talk about the family members, but they won't talk to them. And it's really painful when you do that because it's first of all, it really is gossip. When you talk about somebody things that you wouldn't say to them, that's not okay. And families can really be the worst about this. Um, you know, you grew up, let's say it's your sibling, you grew up with them, and so every single time they've ever failed you in the past or let you down or made a mistake or done something, you've got a record of it in your mind, and that's just the way they are, you know, and so it's easy to keep them in that space, they're just gonna mess this up, they're they mess everything up, and so having conversations around, first of all, that false identity, because nobody's just a screw-up, nobody wants to be just a screw up, and God didn't create somebody a screw up. And so, first we're starting from a false premise, but beyond that, when we talk to our family members, let's say we're just talking to our husband and kids, and you know, oh my gosh, he just always screws things up, he's just concerned about himself and he doesn't care about anybody else and all of this stuff, and you're saying you're putting all of this out there in your family. Then when he gets there, your family's kind of feeling kind of about it, like, oh, here comes that screw up, and then everything he does, they're looking to validate that line of thinking, and so of course, on his way there, Satan is accusing him of being only a screw up, and that really the whole family sees him that way anyway. All of that stuff is out there, right? We loose things and we bind things with our words and our actions, we are speaking things out, and we are loosing things in the world about people, and so when we are loose with our tongue and we speak negatively about other people, and then they walk into that, there is an air in the room of it, and it's just like ick that gets all over you and all over them, and they can sense it, and Satan preys on that to make them feel like a screw up, so then they're operating the entire time they're there out of that false identity of screw up, and the visit doesn't go well because things keep getting messed up, and then he leaves and everybody goes, see? See what a disaster that was? And he leaves going, see, see what a disaster I am. I don't I just shouldn't even come. And there's just all of this yuck. But if instead you use your words for building people up and you give them the benefit of the doubt, no matter what the past has looked like, hey, my brother's coming over and he has had a tough go of things, and I really hope that we can support him when he's here, that he can just feel so loved. Again, we're treating others like we want to be treated, so we're not talking all about the reasons his life is torched because we're going, well, look, he torched his own life, but we're saying, hey, it doesn't matter who or how it happened, he's hurting, and we are his family. So we're gonna love on him, and we're gonna make this weekend a weekend where he feels loved and cared for, and like not everything has to go wrong in his life. That is just a massive difference, and I know it's hard because I know with families, again, there's history there and there's trauma there for everyone. I am realizing more and more these days how losing my mom at a young age has caused me to have certain actions and reactions to things that if I still had my mom on the earth, I probably wouldn't have because I don't have understanding of what it's like to have your mom past the age of 17. So I don't know what it's like to have your mom at your wedding, at your graduation, when you're, you know, when you're having your children. I don't know what that's like because I didn't have my mom for all those big events. I just know what the desire is in my heart because I didn't have my mom. But that's not really fair for me to put that on my children because my children do have their mom. And it's a whole different thing because they're growing up and they have their own lives, and they need to be able to set boundaries with me, and it not, you know, it shouldn't hurt my feelings or make me feel like they don't care to have me there, or you know, it's like there are all these situations where coming from my trauma of not having my mom, I can see it as you don't know what you're missing to have a mom and not make use of it. But that's my trauma speaking. They do know what it's like to have a mom and they know when they want me and they know when they don't. And it's right for them to have certain seasons and times where they just want to do things on their own, or they want to create space in their life that is specifically for me, but they want me to honor the space that they don't want me in, and and that shouldn't hurt my feelings. And so, again, we just treat people like we want to be treated, but we are all bringing our trauma into it. So, and I can use this as an example because when my daughter got married, it was actually just the most beautiful, it was such a sweet gift to me when she was getting married, and she invited me to go with her dress shopping, and it happened to be on her birthday, which was just a load of fun. So we just spent the day together and we shopped for the dress, and she found the dress, and it was beautiful to be invited into that. I really did love that time. And then for the wedding, first of all, she was not a bridezilla, she was just one of the easiest brides I've ever seen in my life. And with a mom and a daughter, you hear all the time how there's fights and this and that. But both of us, she was coming with an open mind like, I'll be happy if we just get married at the Justice of the Peace, if we're in a courtroom, and I was coming from I want to bless you, and I want this time to be a blessing and make you feel special and like the most special bride on the planet. So, can we work together and you tell me what things you're okay with and what things you're not? And I wasn't trying to have my own wedding, I wasn't trying to recreate the wedding I wished I'd have had with my mom. I just wanted to love her and make it a special day for her, and she was just grateful without expectation that I was spending time and money to help make it a beautiful day. And so that is a scenario where it was like the whole thing was just beautiful from beginning to end, and we both really rejoice in that day and that time because it was so there were no arguments, there was no fighting, there was so much yielding to one another and great communication, and she has the freedom in her life to tell me things and know that I'm not gonna respond in some crazy way because I'm her mom and I love her and I want what's best for her. And I know that I can communicate to her what I'm really thinking or feeling without laying on manipulation or guilt, and just know she's gonna hear me and receive it in the heart that I've intended. It and it's beautiful because I know not everybody has that relationship, and it's something I never want to take for granted. But I know other people that they tell their mom a certain boundary, and she won't respect it, she just won't honor their boundary and continually barges over uninvited, even though they've asked her many times. Please just send a message to let us know if you want to come by. And just respecting boundaries like that, you know, she feels like it's her right to go in and see them whenever she wants because that's her child, but she's not realizing they've built a life on their own and they get to determine what it looks like. And scripture even says that you leave your original family and you cleave to your new family when you're married, and so it is right to want space with just her new family unit. And so I think a lot of times when we bring our trauma into situations, we're just creating trauma for our kids or for our family or for our friends. And so it's important when you go into situations that you take a look at if your feelings are hurt, why? Where is the root of it? What is it coming from? And before you process that out loud with somebody else, process it with the Lord. Lord, why am I feeling this way? And is there something I need to deal with internally and with you? Or is this something that I do need to in honesty express and then be willing to accept whatever the answer is? Because we don't have control over other people, and in relationships, we should never use our communication to try and control other people. That's manipulation, and honestly, they're just not going to want you to be a part of their life if you continually manipulate with your words, they're just not going to want you to be around because it's painful every time you're around. And so this whole action of communication, sometimes you don't say what you think. And it's not because you're not being honest, it's because what you're thinking isn't beneficial, not for you and not for the people you're talking to. And so having expectations that are appropriate, really the only expectations you can have are on yourself. When you go into situations putting expectations on people, you are setting them and you up for failure and disappointment. Because people very often also come in with expectations and they aren't the same as yours. You're different people with different trauma. And so you've just got to have respect for one another. And when there is a breach of trust or a breach of respect, communication is the only way out. In communication, we have a great ability to speak life and truth and hope and beneficial things over people. But our tongue can also be used to do a lot of harm. And so I just ask you to please, if you struggle with speaking things before you've really thought about what you were going to say, work on holding your tongue when you really, really want to say something and have a conversation vertically before you start having that conversation horizontally. It will make a huge difference. And if you have people in your life that right now that the reason you're hurt is because you love them a lot and you've just taken a lot of things to heart and your feelings are hurt, I really implore you to go before the Lord and take all that. Ask Him where the trauma came from originally and what your part is in overcoming it before you go to that person. But then you can go to that person and say, Look, I'm sorry, I feel like there's been a gap between us. And I am telling you, it's because I was in fear and I was feeling rejected and feeling these ways, and it's really from a trauma that happened back here. Can we start over and just go forward from here, assuming the best about each other? There is really a lot of benefit to having conversations in truth and not I'm gonna speak my truth because sometimes my truth isn't the truth. That's where I have to go to God and ask for His truth over my emotions, and then I can speak truthfully to another person when I've already dealt with my insecurity and my fear or my trauma from my past. Then I can move forward in my relationships with healthy good communication. So I know I've covered a lot of ground here, and I've tried to be very specific about scenarios because I don't want this to be something that you can't put your hands around. And so these are just a few different relationships, and I didn't even talk about communication between a husband and a wife, so I'm gonna end for today, but I will say between a husband and a wife, it's vital that there is honest, loving communication constantly. There's no room for walking on eggshells, there's no room for saying what you think that person wants to hear. You just have to speak your truth, you have to speak the honest truth. And again, always filtered through going to the Lord first. If there's a hard conversation that needs to happen, you need to go to the Lord first. Okay, so this is part one of two on communication because I needed to communicate a lot about communication because there's so many different relationships, and I just love to give you examples that you could apply to your own life in some relationship. And thank you for being with me today. I look forward to part two where we're going to talk more and especially about husband and wife relationships because I think there's a lot of miscommunication there, probably more than in any other relationship. But I love you guys. Thanks for being with me. See you next week.