Is Reconciliation Possible?

Reconciliation isn't just a word—it’s the heart of genuine relationship repair. Understanding the key elements of authentic reconciliation can transform even the most fractured bonds. If you're struggling with resentment, broken trust, or unresolved conflicts, this episode offers vital insights and practical steps rooted in biblical wisdom. Discover why forgiveness is the foundation of reconciliation—and how humility, boundary-setting, and honest communication are crucial ingredients for healing. Isn't it time to have peace in your relationships? 

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Hey guys, thanks for being with me today. I'm so excited you're here and I'm glad to be with you. So today we are going to address the topic and I'm going to give you some starting points for reconciliation. But I'm not going to address all of this at length because I am going to jump right into the series on relationships where we have dedicated space each week leading up to reconciliation. So we will cover the topic of reconciliation more thoroughly in that relationship series, but I just think it's valuable to have some nuggets now before we start into that. If you haven't listened to the series I did on forgiveness, that's a really good place to start because we can't have reconciliation without forgiveness. And we can't get to the reconciliation piece of things until we have dealt with the forgiveness aspect. And that looks like an acknowledgement of sin, a repentance or a turning from the behavior that causes that sin, and forgiveness being extended to the one who has caused the offense. Those three things have got to be present before reconciliation can even take place. So I'm going to encourage you if you're here and you are looking for advice on reconciliation, but you are still holding resentments and there hasn't been an acknowledgement of sin, then we need to start with the forgiveness episode and come back to this later. So that's just the caveat. But we are going to assume that forgiveness has already taken place and that we are working towards reconciliation. And the place we have to start is understanding it takes two people. It takes two people to fight and it takes two people to reconcile. And you can ignore or bury or walk away from something just on your own. But in order to bring true reconciliation, where you are coming back together, where you have been separate and you are making a decision to come back together, that is going to require both parties to be involved. You cannot do this with just one person. So if you have two people and they are both looking towards reconciliation, that's important to both of you, now you're ready to take some steps. And it's a beautiful place to be, it's a scary place to be, and we have to deal with fear in order to get to the fullness and the wholeness of reconciliation. We'll have to deal with fear in all of this. And not just fear, but issues where trust has been broken. Because when trust has been broken, it takes time to rebuild. It can't be just, okay, today I trust you because you say things are going to be different. It's going to take time to notice patterns and behaviors and to establish new habits that will safeguard you and your relationship from slipping back into whatever the issue was. So let's get started with acknowledging it's going to take both people and it's going to take a lot of work. Even on the smaller offenses, it takes work from both parties. And so you have to be together on this. I will always advise you to get a third party, a counselor, someone with wisdom who you can go and sit before that's an impartial third party, and they can speak truth and life into things that maybe the two of you can't see outside of your own perspective. I mean, you have your perspectives, your partner has their perspective, or this friend, or whoever this is that you need to reconcile could be even a parent. So you need to have somebody outside of this if there is a lot of emotion and tension, even though you've both made the decision to reconcile. There shouldn't be a hesitance there because when you're confessing all of these things that are standing in the way of being brought back together, it strengthens it to add another person in because you have more accountability that way. You're not just accountable to each other, but you're accountable also to this third person. So I highly, highly recommend you have a great counselor. Reconciliation always takes humility. It's got to start with humility. If you are both or either one of you are set on being right and you have to be right, we won't get to reconciliation. Because reconciliation is going to be an acknowledgement of the wrong, and the desire to be right is going to be way less than the desire to be brought back together. Humility is vital in reconciliation, and it's got to be again on both parties. Because if you have one humble person and one proud person, it's just not going to be full reconciliation. It leaves too much room for the enemy to come in and get another foothold. So humility, vital, vital, vital, vital. And the willingness to let go of being right. So just reevaluate where you are. Are you ready for repentance? Are you ready for reconciliation? The biggest thing that leads to the need for reconciliation is we let offenses pile up, we let resentments build, we let that root of bitterness grow. And scripture says that we are to let go of any root of bitterness. And let me just read it to you. So in Hebrews 12, 15, actually, let's start at 14, it says, make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy. Without holiness, no one will see the Lord. And see to it that no one falls short of the grace of God, and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. And so it's warning us not to let any bitter root sprout within ourselves. And you know, there's another place in scripture where it talks about getting rid of all bitterness, getting away from all slander, all of those things. And it's important that we understand scripturally, we have no room for bitterness to grow. We have no room to let resentments fester. And so communication is going to be of utmost importance when we're looking at having a relationship that does not allow room for bitterness to grow and that can stop resentments before they start. And so that communication, that two-way communication, not full of accusation and arrows, but full of this is making me feel this way, and giving each other the benefit of the doubt. It's important to do that, to give each other the benefit of the doubt, to remember you're on the same team. You're not fighting against one another, especially if it's a married couple. You guys are on the same team. You are literally one in the eyes of the Lord. And so there is no room for division to come in without much pain to both of you. We are going to not hold resentments, and the best way to do that is to set boundaries and areas. So I want to give you an example of what it would look like if you have two people and they aren't both ready for reconciliation. And I'm going to use an example of a pantry infested with bugs that love to eat the food in the pantry. In this example, you're going to be able to see that it takes two people to keep the bugs out of the pantry. I just want to paint this image for you so that you can understand if both of you aren't working together, there won't be reconciliation. There cannot be wholeness. So here we go. Let's say that there are bugs getting into your food in your pantry, and it is an issue that is going to get worse and worse and worse if it's not addressed, because the bugs will just multiply, and as long as they have a food source, they're going to keep coming back. And so you have to work together because both of you eat food. And if one of you is working to seal up everything in the pantry, but the other is leaving everything open, you're going to have a problem. You're not going to be able to resolve this issue. You're not going to be able to get rid of the bugs. And so not only do you have to work together to stop the problem where it is, but then you have to put in preventative measures so that you don't continually have this same problem. Where communication and boundaries and all of that come in, it looks like the two of you working together and saying, Okay, I will clean everything out, I will put things in there that repel these bugs, but we have to work together so that when we bring any new food in or we open a box of rice, that has to go immediately into a Ziploc bag or a loctite container that can't allow the bugs to get in, so that they have no feeding source. And that means every single thing that goes into the pantry has to be bagged up or boxed up in a way that something cannot get in. So that's an example of something that you would need to work together on in order for it to be successful. Resentment can look like you've said that, y'all have agreed to do this, you've done your part, you've cleaned out the pantry, but then your roommate, your spouse, whoever continually brings food in and leaves it unsealed, and the bugs just continue to thrive because you're not cutting the food source off. At that point, now there has to be a talk, there needs to be good, healthy communication, and there needs to be a boundary set. And one of those things, if it's your roommate, right, you can say to them, Hey, the Ziploc bags aren't getting zipped all the way. So the next time I find something in there that isn't sealed, I'm throwing it away because they've probably already laid eggs in there and it's just going to perpetuate the problem. You cannot control what somebody else does. So a healthy boundary looks like if you're going to bring food into the house, you cannot put it into the pantry because you have failed to seal your things up properly. So now you have to keep all of your food in your room. And then what happens is if they continue to not seal up their food, the colony is going to move where they have access to food, and their bedroom will be infested with moths, but your pantry will not. And that looks like a healthy boundary. And then, of course, if it continues and it continues, you just don't re-sign a lease with that person. Now, if it's your spouse, it's going to look different because you've made a commitment to be with them and you've vowed to be with them, and you're not going to leave over pantry bugs. But there are different steps that you can take, and you have to just get on the same point. And that's where if you are healthy in your communication and you really are both working towards the solving of a mutual problem, both of you are going to be invested in making sure the Ziploc bags get sealed, in making sure nothing goes into the pantry that isn't in a box. And that's an effort that the two of you will work together. And I know this is just kind of a silly example, but I think it's important to have a mental picture. So if one of you just continually goes through the cabinets sealing stuff up, but the other one keeps leaving them open, you aren't ready for reconciliation yet. You're just not ready. And true reconciliation looks like both partners working together to keep the bags closed. And both of you have a part to do, and it's vital because if you don't, the little bucks are gonna make an infestation and it's just gonna keep growing. Reconciliation looks like both of you come with a willing heart to admit where you were wrong or could have done something better, and it looks like a discussion on working together to make something happen. Both of you acknowledging where you were wrong, saying what you could have done better, and then asking forgiveness. And at that point, there can be reconciliation. There doesn't have to be all this bitterness and all this stuff. If you've got a longing in your heart because there's been an offense in a relationship that you love, what is stopping you from just seeing what your part is in it? And it's important to acknowledge that in every relationship you have a part and they have a part in what went wrong and in making it right. And it's always easy to see where somebody else, you can vocalize where somebody else failed you, but it's equally as important to listen when somebody else says where you failed them. That has to be present, that humility has to be present to come to reconciliation. You need to set boundaries, there's gonna have to be good communication, and there's no space for resentments, and there's no space for words without action either. And that goes especially for the situation where it is a huge offense, okay? So it's never gonna be just I'm sorry, I'll do better, I'll try harder. Those words mean nothing. What you're looking for is I am asking for your forgiveness, and here are the ways I'm going to safeguard this from happening again. And so it's making different choices, it's an actual repentance that overflows into your actions and or to their actions. You're setting boundaries and safeguards around the atmosphere of your home. And you can decide that if you're going to have a discussion about something that would typically be a higher emotional topic, that you go on a walk together. And then if you start arguing and voices get raised and tempers start coming, you just walk different paths back to the house. So there are ways to set up the boundaries so that you don't continue in negative patterns. It looks like working together, getting extra help, and both of you continually acknowledging this is my part, this is what I've done wrong, and I need help with this. And the two of you together, consistently coming back in humility, looking for the ways that you can reunite and be on the same page. Because at the end of the day, both of you have the same goal, which is restoration. And so it can't just be I'm gonna do better, I'm gonna try harder. It looks like actual steps, setting appointments, keeping appointments, doing the hard work of finding the root of bitterness and anger. And those things, when you work individually and then work together, there's a real shot at reconciliation, and it's worth it because think of your family. There is no better life out there for you if you have a family that you started building with someone and they're willing to reconcile. There's nothing that can be better than the reconciliation of that original family, that unit, because you are one with that person, and the children that you have deserve to have parents that are together. Reconciliation is huge. In relationships, being able to set aside your pride and being okay with not being right will save you so much pain and hurt. But you also can't be with someone that refuses to see that they're ever wrong or refuses to acknowledge the way that they hurt you. It's a give and a take. It's both people working together to have true reconciliation. So I hope that this has been helpful. It's not just about words, it's about action. When two people work together to repair something that has been broken, it's just beautiful. And it's the heart of God. He literally has given us the ministry of reconciliation, of bridging the gap. And we are to be that with each other and in the lives of our friends and our community. I encourage you, look at your relationships, see if any of this stuff hit a little nerve in you. Do the work of finding your part first, asking the Lord to reveal to you the places where you need to repent, where you need to ask forgiveness. And that looks like sitting down with somebody and hearing them out. And maybe that looks like the first time you guys get together. If it's your desire to reconcile and their desire to reconcile, you set aside your list of grievances and just say, I would like to meet with you, and I would like to figure out how we got to this point and how we can get out. I would like to hear your list of grievances against me as a starting place so that I can know where you're hurt, where I've hurt you, and what I need to make right. And you don't in that meeting come defending yourself on all the areas that you feel like they're wrong or they've got it wrong, or the enemy's just accusing where it's not true. You take their list of grievances and you pray over it and you ask the Lord to search your heart and your mind. In Psalm 139, it says, Search me, O God, and know me. And so you want Him to search you and know your innermost thoughts and to reveal to you any of those areas that you do owe an apology and need to ask forgiveness. And then hopefully they will have a heart that's also willing to hear your list of grievances and they will take it and do the hard work on their part to see what things they need to own and what things they need to maybe let go and just pray for you on. And you need to see what things that you need to just pray for them on. If there's completely a misunderstanding, um, and not in a way of defense or just trying to justify your actions, but if there's truly a misunderstanding, then you can speak to that misunderstanding. Hey, I said this, I should never have said that, but that's not what I meant. What I was trying to say is, and then you correct the misunderstanding, getting together both parties and really hearing, listening to hear, not listening to refute. You've got to bring that to the table. So, as a first step, I would say take inventory in your relationships, and if there's any relationship that comes to your mind or your heart where you feel there's a separation, where you feel like there is just not a closeness that used to be there, sometimes that happens. Relationships change and it just looks different. And it doesn't mean that there's something wrong or that there needs to be a reconciliation, it just looks different than it was before. But if you see and you know a relationship that you care about is suffering and there needs to be a reconciliation, and there needs to be a repentance, and it's something that you've done. Take the time today to make a list of what you've done and have the humility to reach out to that person and tell them you're sorry. And then also follow it through with have the humility to hear if there's any other thing that they want to bring up and listen and hear them out, and then address that as you have the grace and the mercy from God to do so. But reconciliation is important and it's worth it. I pray that you would search your own heart and your own mind in your relationships and reach out to anybody that there is a disagreement, and as far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. So thanks for tuning in today. I hope it has given you an idea of the next step that you need to take in repairing relationships that are broken. And if you're waiting on somebody else to decide that they want to reconcile, I would encourage you, I implore you, pray for them every day. Ask the Lord to bless them, ask the Lord to do his work in softening their heart towards you so that there can be reconciliation and just let him work. He can do more than you could ever do in helping bring that relationship back to its right place. So invite the Lord in, ask him to be a part of it, and go with much prayer into the heart of reconciliation. I love you guys. Thank you for being with me today. I look forward to seeing you next week. We're going to start back at the beginning of relationships, and we're going to just kind of dissect what it looks like to have healthy relationships with healthy boundaries and healthy communication. So thanks for being with me. We'll see you next week. Bye bye.